Bullying

Today I read a heartbreaking story about a young boy who for the last two years has been bullied at school because of his weight, he had had enough and decided to post on facebook a post about it naming and shaming his tormentor.  He didn't sink to levels of name calling just asked why people joined in with this other young boy and did they realise they damage they were doing.

It was just heartbreaking and it took me back to the years that I was bullied as a child from the time I started school to the time I finished.  Every one use to tell me that I would look back on my school years as the best times of my life I thought that was stupid then and I still think that it's stupid today.  Seriously what a dumb assed thing to say to someone who is being bullied every day at school.  School wasn't the best years of my life school was hell on earth, at the first high school I went to the school was trying so hard to hide what was happening in it's school that they outright denied that I was being bullied.  They told me I needed witnesses and was denying there was a problem within the school all while telling my mum I really needed to see a councillor(jumped an 8 month waiting list their concerns were so great).  By the time I had reached year 9 I was called everything from dog to whore.  I had had everything thrown at me from erasers to staplers(yes staplers) across the class room.  The one time at that school that I stood up for myself I was told by the teacher to sit down and be quiet, mind you she had been watching what was happening and did NOTHING to stop it.  So I told the teacher to go fuck herself and gave her a right mouthful as well.  That afternoon I went home and told mum I was never returning to that school. I never did.

At the next school same sort of stuff happened and I just learnt to ignore it or started to stand up for myself and getting into trouble.  But I refused to allow those bullies to force me out of school.  I had the right to an education just like the rest of them and I got it.  I finished year 12 and called it a day on school(for then anyway).

And now it seems school still aren't able to stop bullying in extremes, The internet is making it worse with the now ablitity for cyber bullying and parents aren't aware until it's to late their children have committed suicide.  Or attacked their attacker.

The young man at the I was talking about has taken a non violent stance and has proven that he is a strong young man it takes more strength to combat this the way he has than to sink to the lowest level of violence.  So to the young man in question stand tall hold your head high and under stand that school is such a sort time in your life and you will go on to bigger and better things and when you get to my age(*cough* that made me sound old) you will look back and think school was hell but I made it through I am stronger than they were and I am successful today I am way better than they think I was.

I am all better and the kids are back at school.

I am all better today was a bout of gastro(yuck) Husband ended up coming home early and I went to bed to sleep it out.

Today school is back after 2 weeks of school holidays(YAY) the last few days of the holidays are the toughest, the kids know that school is going back soon and are trying to drag the days out longer than normal and wanting to shove more into their day, Can we go here, Can we do this, What about this, MUM was all I heard for about 5 days.  Or my Favourite one school hasn't started back yet so we get to stay up late.  Umm nope you don't you get to go to bed when I say so.

Over all I have great kids they love me and I love them, Child2 tells me he is never leaving home and is going to live with me forever <3.  Little does he know that I once said the same thing to my mum.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.

The sick wife.

Today I am sick, I was awake when husband went into work this morning and I was sick then.  He was unable to stay home and help out today because they are already short staffed at work and being mid level boss they need him in.

But then he calls up with a bright idea I should go to the Local walk in clinic where you give your name sit on your backside and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT(ok you get the point) it takes a long time to see a DR and I have the kids with me.  And I know my kids they would get bored with in 5 minutes of being there.  Really all I think I have is gasrto I have done nothing but vomit on and off all night long.

Here is hoping I get well soon today was suppose to be housework day but I am not doing anything this bloody sick.

I am going to try to get in to UNI :O

It's so scary, earlier this week I was helping out my sister in law with an assignment and was enjoying it.  Unbeknownst to me my sister in law decided to start an enrolment application for me at her UNI at the moment I am trying to get into a tertiary preparation course then will go on to apply for UNI.

It's so scary what if I fail?  I hope I get in because further study is something that I have wanted to do for a while now.  I finished year 12 and did a Vocational Education Training Cert as well but I haven't done any study in a long long time.

Here is hoping that I get in.

Musings

I realise not many people are reading my blogs and I am sure to most of you it's as boring as batshit but it helps me find a centre in my life by putting things down on "paper".  I am sure a diary would be more useful and less people will see it(well really no one but me) but that is as boring as hell and I have been there and done the whole diary thing and to be honest re reading my diaries from 15+ years ago depresses the hell out of me.

They weren't happy times in my life I was bullied through out my school years and this made life hell, actually it made life unbearable to the point I wanted to end it all.  And I tried numerous times to work up the courage to end it all with one real attempt.  A whole heap of panadol and a overnight stay in a mental health facility.  I look back on my diaries and see the pain and hurt and anger that I was and wonder how in the hell I am lucky enough to have ended up as I have.  Happy, Healthy a wonderful marriage with a loving husband and 3 beautiful children(who on occasion are feral like most children).  And I realise that it was hard bloody work.  You can't pick yourself up out of the black abyss by not doing the hard work, you have to realise that you are worth something and it takes a lot to convince yourself after being put down for so long that you are worth something.  You have to love yourself and I don't mean as in love yourself like you think your it and a bit.  I mean the true loving yourself being happy with who you are and how you are mentally, physically and emotionally.  And this takes work.  You have to find the real you the one you have hidden from yourself and the world for so long that you have forgotten who the hell that person is.

To pull back from the point of wanting to end it all is a hard struggle you find that there are days where you wonder why you failed, there are days where you wonder why you were left here why didn't it work.  Then all of a sudden things start making sense things start happening in your life where you start to see why you you didn't succeed in the attempt you made you are slowing clawing your way out of the black abyss that has dragged you down.  You finally start to realise that people do care and you are important and people would be sad if you left them, that people love you and it's ok to love yourself.

No one can take these hard steps for you, you have to take them yourself seeking help and asking people for help are NOT signs of weakness they are a sign that you have been strong for way to long and need a little help.  Everyone needs a little help now and then and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

For anyone reading this and is feeling suicidal please call (if in Australia or your relevent countries number please just google it)

http://www.lifeline.org.au/

or

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?

These places are very good starting points on working your way out of the black abyss family and friends are another great port of call, Trust me there are people out there who care about you even if it's just me.

Giving Advice

Normally I hate giving advice but lately I seem to be right on the money with the advice I have been giving.  I am not doing fluffy "oh well maybe" crap I am just telling people my opinion very bluntly and it seems to be working.

I don't know what's going on I normally suck at giving advice(no really I do).  There have been some situations lately that have required me to give advice while I am not nasty with it I am trying to be truthful.

I am sure I will go back to giving crap advice soon but while I am on a roll I am going to stick with what I doing as it's working for now.

:O the very unusual happened.

Husband has taken extended leave :O 14 whole days off work.  This means more work for me as another person is in the house constantly.  Ok he is normally sleeping a lot but at least he is here right?

Poor man needs to catch up on sleep, needs to drive me crazy with what are you doing, why are you doing it that way, it would be better if you did it this way.  To the point where I get frustrated and tell him that if he thinks he can do a better job have the fuck at it.  No No honey you do it I will be quiet now Arrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh.  So far we are 7 days into his time off work and only 7 more to go.  On the bright side at least I have another person here with me for the first week of the school holidays, I can make him take the kids out and leave me in peace to prepare for when he goes back to work.  And first shift of the rank is NIGHT SHIFT.  Really people are stupid putting people with children on night shift during school holidays it just makes the person who is at home with the kids annoyed because they have to find something to do with the kids for an entire day so said person can sleep.  Then they are awake for all of 2 hours before they are out the door again and heading to work CRY.

maybe I should make him take the kids on a holiday like I do every year him and the 3 kids can go away and leave me here by myself.  Hmmm I am liking that idea more and more.

Does anyone else husband get workers guilt?

It's a very rare condition, you can't fix it, and it's terminal.  Lol it's the dreaded workers guilt.  Husband works so much and isn't here that often for the kids that he buys them everything they want.  It drives me mental I have told him and told him and told him that they don't need all this crap, But he feels so guilty about working so much he gives in Sigh.  It started small a little teddy or some such crap now it's bikes computers, TV's, Xbox games, Computer game credits lollies you name it if the kids want it soon or later they get it.

I can't stop him from doing this I only try to minimise it.  No children number 2 doesn't need more lego at this stage, no child 3 doesn't need more Barbies, No child one doesn't need the newest sims 3 expansion thing.

Shopping for me is a quick get in get what I need and get out, if the kids are with me it's punctured with me telling them NO NO NO NO NO NO.

With Husband along it's sure sure sure sure sure with me going no no no no sigh and I normally lose.  So if you have any tips on how to get it to bloody well stop let me know.

Reading.

I love reading there is nothing more relaxing to me than curling up with a book and reading for hours on end(or til I finish the book whichever comes first).  I have a love of romance novel and classics(eg the anne of green gables series and the little woman series).  But my biggest love is romance novel and it never takes me long to read one.  I fell in love with historical(American history/wild west/cowboys and Indians) at the age of 16 and have been reading them ever since.  I don't know why but I really enjoy the stories and the romance from the days of old.  Some of the new books have women falling in love with guys who are total assholes.  If someone spoke to me like the guys in some of the books spoke to the woman he would get my fist in his face and would never see me again let alone a happily ever after.

The only down side to reading is that I taught myself to speed read which means I can read the books rather fast then I am left with nothing.

I remember out shopping once I grabbed about 7 books to read and headed to the check out the guy serving me comment on that was a good months worth of reading I laughed and said  month?  this will barely last me the week.  He looked so shocked.

I currently own about 500 plus books( I stopped counting) and I have read and re read every single book I own.  Reading is becoming such and expensive hobby because I now have to buy the books overseas because I am looking for books from series I have started or have read about in the back of the books I own.  I am not talking about the 200 page mills and boon books(although I do own a lot of these) I am talking 300 to 500 pages gone in little more than 3 hours.

4 more school days til school holidays.

So it's 4 more days until the kids start school holidays and I don't know if I am excited or dreading it.  Husband will be home for half of the holidays(having decided to take 14 days off work starting on Tuesday) and I can't figure out what to do with the kids while they are on holidays.  Normally here it's raining by this time of year but we are having unseasonably warm weather.  Normally we hole up at home under the heater doing fun stuff but if it's warm they are going to want to go out a lot.

I am hoping for warm weather because 3 house bound children get cabin fever really quickly and then the fights start.  Yelling, screaming and carrying on.  It's enough to send anyone crazy.  However if I have them outside running wild they will burn off energy fast.  Hope for warm weather for me.

YAWN

I am so tired I can barely stay awake.  Thank goodness husband isn't heading off to work tonight and has offered to cook(heaven help me some "new" concoction he has thought up) and all I want to do is sleep.  Child number 2 is a horrible sleeper, well actually that is a lie he is a great sleep once you get him TO SLEEP it's the getting him to sleep that is the problem and has been for about 7 years.

From the time he was about 22 months old he could and would fight sleep, he could stay awake until 2 or 3 in the morning and be up at 8am ready and raring(his only speed) to go.  So I in desperation when he was 3 called the QEII for help and was told that he was to old for them to help.  So here I am with a newborn a 3 year old who won't sleep and a 4 year old going to pre school and I was getting about 3 hours of sleep a night, then on the go all day long.

Every Dr I spoke to told me it was a stage and he would grow out of it, my mum assumed my parental skills were lacking because I couldn't make him sleep so I let her have a crack at it and after 2hours she gave up.  Now that he is 9 I am at my wits end.  I need more sleep, he needs more sleep but I am not sure how to get it for him.  Now I am so tired from just writing this out I think I need a nap.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I love this time of year.

Ok granted I don't like the weather at this time of year I hate the cold, but so far this autumn hasn't been to bad in fact today got to a lovely hot 27 degrees C.  Normally we are lucky to get over 15 degrees C, so I am loving this.  But what I love so much about this time of year is the fact that day light savings has ENDED.  No more it's not bedtime the sun is still up, no more but it's still morning see(with said child pointing to the fact that the sun is still up) the kids think that as soon as it's dark it's bedtime.  I am so glad I don't live in countries where they have the midnight sun it would drive me crazy my kids would never sleep.

This means I get some peace and quiet at night not a lot but some, I get less arguments about bedtime which is just lovely.  As a kid I loved daylight savings because the fun never ended as a parent I hate it because the fun never ends.

I am the worlds worst mother.

Or so child 3 thinks.  What makes me the worlds worst mother?  I had the audacity to question her as to why she wouldn't do any work yesterday where upon she told me to "shut up you idiot" so as soon as we got home I sent her to her room.  Yep that's it I sent her to her room and told her not to speak to me like that.  That's it and I am up for worlds worst mother.  It wasn't like she was even in her room for long I put her in there until she calmed down which took all of 5 minutes then she was allowed out again.  After she had apologised of course.

I love these little phrases that get thrown out.

You are the world's worst mum
I hate you
You are a mean mummy
and so on and so on.  I have even had a conversation with child 3 once where she was getting into trouble for something and she tells me that we should all be nice and be friends(thanks school) and she was stunned when I told her I don't have to be her friend what I have to be is her mum and we could be friends when she got older.

So later last night you think she would have learnt her lesson right?

WRONG.  I put her into bed and was trying to get her to go to sleep and 3 times she tells me I am stupid then throws me out of her room.  Yes I could have stayed but I didn't want to have to deal with her tantrum(as she was tired) so I left where upon she yelled and screamed for about 10 minutes then promptly fell asleep.

I use to spend so much of my time when they were younger getting them to talk now I wish I hadn't(yes I am kind of joking)

Sigh we have a pet.

So husband wanted a pet asks the landlord they say yes.  So it's all systems go we are getting a pet, in less than 24hours after the landlord said yes we have a pet.  We have a Kitten.

I hate cats they annoy the hell out of me for some reason.  Yet we have a Kitten.  Husband has gone to work for the night and guess who is left to look after this Kitten?  That's right me.

Plus no one liked my name suggestion of "road kill"